


【 ✦ — ACTOR'S CAFE OPEN! ⋆ THE CHUUNIBYOU CLASH OF LIFE AND DEATH! 】

by assortedwords



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: A Lot Of MANKAI Cameos, Canon Compliant, Gen, Humor, Shitpost treated seriously, Team Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:09:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28786974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/assortedwords/pseuds/assortedwords
Summary: happy chuuni valentine's day (spoilers+cameos listed in author's note)Tsumugi: “The pleasure is all mine. What request do you have of me?”Azuma: I’d just like a glass of water. Thank you.Tsumugi: “Water…?”“Ah, to consume from the fountain of life. I oft forget how mortals refer to it.”Yuki: Oh my god.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (1) cameos are, in order: a3ders, chikage, autumn troupe, muku, citron, yuki, azuma, juza, chikage again. pretty much everyone in mankai gets mentioned once  
> (2) act 6 spoilers because kumon. brief references to part 3, 4th anni, misc backstages. i like to know where everything's from, so i included them in the notes in case anyone would like to know too.  
> (3) this will probably give you incredible amounts of secondhand embarrassment and was absolutely intended to do so  
> (4) i tried my best but i apologize if i don't do your faves justice
> 
> thank you to everyone who helped me with this fic! special shoutout to goomba and ray for helping me with it + listening to me yell constantly!!!  
> 

[Location: Lounge] 

Izumi: Thanks for coming to the meeting.

I mentioned this in the texts, but this meeting is about Actor's Cafe again. The owner asked us to do another themed version this year.

Sakuya: I'm excited! What’s the theme?

Izumi: Well...this is the message he sent me.

Tenma: _Chuunibyou?!_

Banri: This is gonna be one hell of a circus… 

Tsumugi: Haha. It sounds like fun.

Izumi: It’s a smaller event this time, so the owner said four members would be enough.

I think a member from each troupe would be ideal.

Tsumugi: Would you like us to nominate one member each, then?

Izumi: Yes, exactly.

Banri: The members are basically decided for us though.

Sakuya: Eh? What do you mean?

Banri: The theme is chuuni. It’s obvious.

So like, for Spring Troupe…Itaru-san was basically made for this.

Sakuya: Itaru-san did help me out a lot for my chuunibyou role last time!

Banri: See? And Tenma, you have a textbook chuuni in your troupe. Don’t tell me you didn’t notice.

Tenma: Well, that’s true.

Izumi: What about Autumn Troupe?

Banri: Eh…I’d love to make the old man or the radish do it, but nah.

It’s gotta be Taichi. He’d never let me hear the end of it if I gave it to someone else.

Tenma: I’d have to hear his complaining too… 

Izumi: (Taichi-kun’s certainly got a persistent personality…) 

What about Winter Troupe? Do you have a nomination in mind, Tsumugi-san?

Tsumugi: Mm…well, Homare-san’s been working on his next volume of poetry recently…

Guy-san and Hisoka-san have been busy with the bar too…

Tenma: Tasuku-san could definitely pull off a chuunibyou role.

Tsumugi: That’s true…

Azuma-san might be free as well.

Sakuya: You sound a little troubled. Is there something wrong?

Banri: You want the role for yourself, don’t you.

Tsumugi: !

Banri: It’s written all over your face. It's obvious you like chuuni shit, I've seen you and Itaru-san go ham about it.

Just take the role if you want it.

Tsumugi: …Ahaha. You caught me.

Then I’d like to nominate myself for the role, Director. If that’s all right.

Tenma: No complaints here.

Sakuya: None from me either! 

Izumi: Hehe. Then the role is all yours, Tsumugi-san. With my blessing, and all the other troupe leaders’.

Tsumugi: It’s kind of embarrassing when you put it that way…

Banri: Then speak up before it gets to this.

-

[Location: Practice room]

Izumi: So we’re all here for the chuunibyou actor’s cafe!

Taichi: Yep!

Kumon: I-I don’t know why Tenma-san nominated me, b-but I’m here!

Itaru: Relax. This is a no-judgement zone.

Tsumugi: That’s right. You’ve done a great job in our chuunibyou street acts together, Kumon-kun. That alone is reason enough for Tenma-kun to choose you.

Taichi: Right! Your secret’s safe with us, Kyu-chan!

—!

Izumi: Hm? Secret?

Taichi: Awawawa!!!!

Kumon: Awawawawawawa!!!!

Itaru: We’ve got an energetic duo here.

Tsumugi: There, there. It’s alright.

It’s nothing to worry about, Director.

Taichi: I’m sorry, Kyu-chan!!!! I didn't mean to say it!!!!!

Kumon: It’s okay, Taichi-san!!!!

Since…since this is for a job, I think I should tell the Director about it too. 

I’ve learned that it’s best to open up to people you care about…!

Itaru: What is this brightness…? Ah, youthful purity. My poor eyes can’t withstand this.

Tsumugi: Shh. Kumon-kun has something important to say.

Itaru: Yes, Tsumugi-sensei. Sorry, Tsumugi-sensei.

Taichi: Are you sure, Kyu-chan?

Kumon: Yes…! Director! I have something to tell you!

Izumi: (I have a feeling I know what’s about to come…)

Kumon: To be honest…

I’m really into chuunibyou stuff! I have a cursed sword, and I guard the Ninth Gate of Flame!

Itaru-san and Tsumugi-san and Taichi-san all do street acts about it with me sometimes, so that’s why they know! But I don't want everyone to know!

Please keep my secret for me!

Izumi: (So that’s what it was…)

(Sorry, Kumon-kun, I knew all along…)

(Anyhow, I need to act like I had no idea!)

Kumon-kun! I’m glad you told me!

Thank you for trusting me! I’ll keep your secret for sure!

Tsumugi: …Pf.

Itaru: We can see you smiling.

Tsumugi: ...I’m sorry. Pff.

Izumi: (Was I too stiff?!)

Taichi: Kyu-chan…?

Kumon: Director…! Thank you for keeping my secret!!

Ahh...I feel much better after telling you!

Izumi: (Thank goodness it worked!)

Taichi: It feels kinda like we just witnessed real radish-to-radish communication!

Itaru: ^

Tsumugi: How do you say that out loud? I’ve always wondered.

Itaru: LOL.

-

Izumi: If there’s nothing else to discuss, I’d like to talk about your roles.

Kumon-kun mentioned that all of you have done street acts with this theme before, right?

In that case, maybe we could build on something you’ve done before.

Itaru: Kumon and I have official chuuni lore. Like he said earlier, he guards the Ninth Gate of Flame. I guard the Second Gate of Shadow.

Tsumugi and Taichi just go with whatever they’re feeling on the day.

Taichi: I’ve done all kinds of plots, but lately I play Kyu-chan’s partner!

Kumon: I love doing street acts with that one!! It’s so fun!!

Taichi: Right!!

Izumi: An Actor’s cafe cast with defined relationships between them…that’s new. I like it.

Since we have four members, maybe Tsumugi-san could play a role related to Itaru-san’s...shadow gate, was it?

Itaru: Second Gate of Shadow.

Izumi: (He’s taking this really seriously!)

R-right. Sorry.

Tsumugi: I don’t mind. I’ve played Itaru-kun’s enemy before, so we could rehash that.

Itaru: “So we meet again. Let’s settle this today.” (1)

Tsumugi: “There’s no way I’d lose to you. After what you did to my master...I’ll never let you get away!” (1)

Itaru: “Eat this! Haa!” [throws arm out] (1)

Tsumugi: “ _Aargh!”_ [stumbling back] “No! I-I’ll remember this!” (1)

Itaru: And that’s our sample.

Izumi: (I don’t know how to feel about watching two grown men play fight while delivering dramatic lines!)

(Well, I guess theater itself could be described as people play fighting, but…this is a different sort of feeling!) 

L-looks great! I think that could work!

Kumon: That was so cool!!

Taichi: That sounded kinda like Ban-chan and Juza-san!

Itaru: They’re valuable reference.

Tsumugi: Haha, I’m not admitting to anything.

Though, acting that out made me realize our characters don’t really have names. I call Itaru-kun Shadow sometimes in street acts, but we’ve never really established anything… 

Itaru: I’m fine being Shadow. I guess Kumon would be Flame by that logic, but Tsumugi and Taichi would need actual names. Or elements.

Taichi: I wanna be Lightning!

Itaru: Approved. It’s got flair.

Izumi: I think something with flowers would suit Tsumugi-san.

What’s that you said before…? 

“I’ll protect harmony and peace in the garden”? It sounds perfect for a chuuni role! (2)

Tsumugi: You remembered… 

A garden wizard would be interesting. Would he be a gentle type of character, then…? 

Itaru: I think you can just keep playing the character you've been playing all along.

Though now we’re on the topic of characters, maybe we should cover the rest too.

Kumon: Yeah! Let’s see…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) All real and actual 104 lines! Banri and Juza’s My Page lines, Juza’s [2020 Children’s Day line,](https://twitter.com/chocoujis/status/1257353510531842056) Banri’s [MANKAI Rangers backstage.](https://yaycupcake.com/a3/index.php?title=Banri_Settsu/Twinkling_Mankai_Gold) I generally picked lines that Itaru and Tsumugi had a solid chance in actually witnessing.  
> (2) Tsumugi’s My Page line.
> 
> testimonals from my dearest beta readers  
> \- about kumon's chuuni confession:  
> “this is making me tear up irl” (itaru oshi)  
> “kumon just casually saying these words with his fucking mouth is making me feel some kinda way” (kumon oshi)
> 
> \- about itaru's chuuni lore explanation  
> “ive begun to cry irl i cant take this” (itaru oshi)  
> “i cant tell whats making me feel more: kumon saying these kind of words with his mouth, or itaru, fucking salaryman, saying these words with his mouth,” (kumon oshi)


	2. Chapter 2

[Location: Practice room]

Izumi: All right, now we have the roles all settled.

I’ll summarize everything we discussed just to make sure everyone’s on the same page. Please tell me if I get anything wrong.

Taichi: Gotcha!

Izumi: Thank you.

First we have Flame played by Kumon-kun, a hero with a cursed sword. (1)

Then we have Lightning played by Taichi-kun, who’s a rough type with a kind heart, and Flame’s partner.

Itaru-san plays Shadow, a powerful and dark wizard. He’s enemies with Tsumugi-san’s Bloom, a wizard who’s loyal to his late master.

Tsumugi: Yes, that all sounds correct.

Izumi: Thank you. I’ll note down each character later so we don’t forget.

Is there anything else we should discuss?

Kumon: Nope, I'm good!

Itaru: Same here.

Izumi: Alright.

With that, thank you all for coming today. Please prepare for your roles and do some street acts together to practice if possible. I’ll see you later!

Tsumugi: Good work.

Taichi: Good job, everyone!!

-

[Location: Lounge]

Tsumugi: A wizard with floral powers…

I wonder how he’d use them.

It’d be nice if I could somehow incorporate that into fanservice…

Like giving the customers flowers somehow…

…

!

-

[Location: Room 103]

Tsumugi: …And then I thought of your magic tricks, Chikage-san, so I came to ask you for help.

Thank you very much for taking the time to teach me.

Chikage: I see. It’s not a particularly difficult trick, so don’t worry about it.

I usually do it with coins, but it would be easy enough to modify it for other props.

I’m sure Tetsurou-san could find you something for the cafe.

Tsumugi: I’ve been thinking about that as well.

There might be flowers somewhere in the storage room, too.

Chikage: Well, let’s practice with coins in the meantime.

Tsumugi: Yes! I have one somewhere in my pocket…

Chikage: Here you go.

Tsumugi: You just made one appear out of nowhere…

Haha. I suppose I should have expected that from you.

Chikage: And another coin for me.

Now look here. The trick is how you hold it. When you hold it like this, you’re the only person who can see it.

Go ahead and try.

Tsumugi: Like this?

Chikage: Not quite. It’ll fall if you hold it loosely like that.

Try moving a little this way…

-

Itaru: Man, I’m beat. My bed sounds real nice right about now…

[opens door] …Tsumugi? And Senpai?

Chikage: Hello, Chigasaki.

Tsumugi: Welcome back, Itaru-kun…

Itaru: Uh. You look like a corpse, Tsumugi.

What’s Senpai been doing to you?

Chikage: You think so lowly of me.

Itaru: You bring it on yourself.

Tsumugi: It’s alright. Chikage-san’s been helping me prepare for Bloom.

I’ve been trying to make this coin disappear and reappear, but he’s quite the strict teacher…

Chikage: Magic is for the sake of others. There's no point if your audience can see through your tricks, and I've caught every time you've stumbled.

Well, that being said, you've been a hardworking student.

Itaru: Escaping Senpai's eyes is legend mode difficulty…

Chikage: Do you have something to say about my methods, Chigasaki?

Itaru: Nothing at all. I’ll leave you two to it.

Tsumugi: See you later, Itaru-kun.

Itaru: [shutting door] Hoo. Glad I’m out of there.

Wonder if Banri’s free for a few rounds of HELL Tower.

Time to find out.

Knock knock. Banri.

He—y. Baaanri. Banri-kun. NEO-chan. Asshole who owes me two rounds of HELL Tower.

Welp. Guess he’s not in.

Maybe I’ll grab my laptop and crash somewhere else.

I could dig up that chuuni game in my backlog too.

It’s for role prep, after all. ✰

-

[Location: Practice room]

Banri: Cool. Let’s take a break there.

Taichi: Break time, break time~!

I can finally write down my notes for Lightning~.

Sakyo: Who?

Taichi: My Actor’s Cafe role! He’s a bad boy!

I’ve got tons of ideas, but I dunno which one to go with!

Banri: Aren’t a bunch of your anime faves bad boys? Just pick one and larp him.

Taichi: I don’t want him to be  _ generic!!  _ I need to make him  _ come alive!!! _

Juza: You can take reference from real life too. People you know.

Taichi: Bad boys I know in real life… 

Azami: Hey, I’m gonna go get some water.

Taichi: Bad boys…

Omi: Oh, that’s a good idea. I’ll go with you. Does anyone else want some?

Taichi: In real life… 

Juza: I want some.

Taichi: … 

Sakyo: Just get enough for everyone.

Taichi:  _!!! _

Omi: Haha, you’re right. We’ll be back soon.

Banri: Take your time.

Taichi, you good? You look like you’re in space.

Taichi: I just thought of something!

Sakyo: For your role?

Taichi: Yeah!

Juza: Sounds good.

-

[Location: Lounge]

Muku: …And Tohru saved everyone around her, so I think she counts as a hero too! She doesn’t have superpowers, but kindness can be a power!

That’s what I think, anyway… (2)

Kumon: No, I totally get you!! It’s like that one chapter from My Hero Academia, where Midoriya tried to save Bakugou even though he was quirkless, just ‘cause he knew Bakugou needed help! (2)

It’s like Nii-chan’s Blood, too…and Nii-chan himself! Helping others is what a hero does!! That’s what heroism is!!!

Muku: Yes!!!

Itaru: I see there's an all-out nerd discussion going on out here.

Citron: Sounds fun~!

Muku: C-Citron-sama! Itaru-san! I didn’t see you there…

Do you need the TV? Kyu-chan and I can go somewhere else!

Citron: No, no! It’s fine!

What are you two talking about? Maybe Itaru and I can join?

Kumon: I asked Muku if he had any manga I could use as reference for my Actor’s Cafe role, and we wound up here to watch some of the anime adaptations!

We got kinda off track and started talking about heroes, though. Since Flame is one!

Itaru: The true meaning of heroes…youthful purity strikes again. Ahh, I’m growing mushrooms.

Muku: I-Itaru-san!!

Citron: Itaru, no~~! Stay mushroom-less for me!

Kumon: Citron-san, Itaru-san, did you two need the TV for something?

Citron: We were going to play a video game, but it is okay if you and Muku are using it!

Itaru: Banri’s got a flat-screen we could probably borrow, so. (3)

Kumon: Banri?! You can’t use his stuff!! You’ll catch his germs!!!

Here!!!! Muku and I were done anyway!!!!!

Citron: Oh, an unexpected development!

Itaru: “Banri” is a magic word, huh.

Kumon: I hate that guy!!!! He SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Itaru: Is there something in the Hyodo blood that’s resistant to him…?

Well, anyway. Do you guys want to play with us?

Muku: Is that okay?

Itaru: Sure, it’s a multiplayer. I’ll set it up now.

Citron: It’s a chuuni game! So it may help with your role too, Kumon!

Tsumugi: Oh, there’s quite a crowd. Hello, everyone.

Itaru: You’re done with Senpai’s training?

Tsumugi: For today, anyway. It seems Chikage-san had something else to attend to, so I came here for a break.

Taichi: Autumn’s done with our regular practice too! I ran into Tsumugi-san on the way out to the kitchen!

Hey, I’ve seen this game before! I’ve been meaning to get it for ages, but I keep forgetting!

Citron: The more the berrier~!

Itaru: Merrier.

Citron: That’s it!

Muku: Let’s all play together!

Itaru: We don’t have enough controllers, though. Maybe we can play in pairs or something.

Kumon: Muku, be my partner!!

Muku: Y-Yes!

Taichi: Tsumugi-san!!

Tsumugi: If you’ll have me!

Itaru: Sure is noisy in here.

Citron: But it’s nice, isn’t it?

Itaru: Well…yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) Flame is inspired by Kumon’s audition in Act 6 Ep 8, and his keychain in Ep 9.  
> Lightning is inspired by every time Taichi’s whined about wanting to be cool.  
> Shadow and Bloom are based on a sketch Itaru and Tsumugi’s actors did in MANKAI stage.  
> (2) Fruits Basket, My Hero Academia. Ty Lucy for the Muku/manga help!  
> (3) No, really, Room 104 actually has a TV on Banri’s side. [Here's a screenshot.](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/686669201011638373/797478974783225856/Screenshot_20200918-093949_A3.jpg)
> 
> me: should i mention they got rid of the gates thing or is this fine  
> capn: this way it sounds like izumi’s gently ignoring it which i think is funny  
> me: that’s hilarious i’m taking it


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has an abundance of notes, but you don't need to worry about keeping track of them!

[Location: Actor’s Cafe]

Taichi: It’s finally the big day!

Itaru: Except we’ve still got something to do before that actual cafe.

Tsumugi: It’s alright. Decorating shouldn’t take too long, since it’s just a few extra ideas Kumon-kun had. We’ve got five pairs of hands as well.

Izumi: W-well…

(When I think of how elaborate the haunted house was last time, I don’t have much confidence in this being a quick job…!) (1) 

Kumon: It’s okay! I’ll do my best to make it quick!

<An hour later>

Taichi: K-Kyu-chan… 

Tsumugi: There was a surprising amount of detail…

Itaru: Never underestimate the chuuni heart…

It sure looks like a chuuni lair now, though.

Taichi: I like the colours! All dark and some neon!

Tsumugi: The glow-in-the-dark…projector? Is it? That’s a really nice touch.

Kumon: My Bathroom Planetarium!

This isn’t a bathroom, but I thought having something glowy would look cool here~. (2)

I got a new battery for it, but I have extra just in case it runs out!

Izumi: (The decorations don’t match perfectly, but they give the room a real Kumon-kun charm to it. It fits this theme well.)

Good work, everyone! There’s enough time to take a break, and then we’ll open the cafe!

Taichi, Kumon, Itaru, Tsumugi: Yeah!

-

Yuki: The cafe looks pretty packed. Guess they really aren’t going bankrupt this time.

They sure went all out with the decor. It even looks like a chuuni did it.

Izumi: (Oh, it’s Yuki-kun! It looks like he has some other members of MANKAI with him, too.)

(I knew some of them were dropping by today, but I didn’t know they’d come together.)

Azuma: It looks like they have seats free for us, though. I can see Kumon waving us in.

Juza: His arms are covered in bandages… 

Chikage: He’s also got a sword.

Kumon: “Come in! Quick!”

Izumi: (Looks like Kumon-kun has it covered. I'll go check on something else.)

Kumon: “There’s no time for chatting! Hurry up, before _he_ finds us!”

Azuma: Who is this “he”?

Kumon: “You’ll find out later! Just follow me for now!”

Azuma: It sounds like quite the mystery. I’m intrigued.

Chikage: It’s an interesting way of being shown to a table. Where exactly are we meant to be?

Kumon: “Bloom’s inn! You’ll be safe for a little bit here.”

“Make yourselves at home! I’m sure you’re tired after your journey. I gotta help the other guests, but I’ll come back for sure!”

Juza: Wait—

Kumon: “?”

Juza: Your arms…are you hurt?

Kumon: “Oh!”

“No, this…”

“AAAGH!”

Juza: ?!

Azuma: Oh my. He doubled over.

Kumon: “My arms...are covered in cursed lettering.”

“My Cursed Sword Destroyger…it sucks away my life day by day in exchange for me wielding its power."

"When _he_ found out, he strengthened its curse, and—”

“Hhhh. I remain alive today only because of Bloom.”

Juza: ! Do they still hurt?

Kumon: “Only once in a blue moon…and only when _he_ is near.”

“Call for me if you meet _him._ I’ll protect you all, no matter what it takes!”

Juza: There’s no way you can fight in that state! Let us help you!

Yuki: He’s totally sucked in.

Chikage: That’s what happens with theater nerds.

Kumon: “I won’t let you fight! You don't understand the power _he_ wields!”

“I have to go now. But I’ll come back for you all later. I promise.”

Yuki: I don’t even know how to respond to that.

Azuma: Well, shall we order in the meantime?

Juza: …

Chikage: We might have to wait for Juza to come back to Earth first. 

-

Yuki: Well, the orders are settled.

I wonder where the stupid dog and the rest are.

Juza: Taichi’s over there. Looks like he’s dropping off orders at a buncha different tables.

Azuma: Oh, close enough to hear. I’m curious about his character.

Taichi: “Ya think carrying all these plates is hard? This much is ea~sy peasy.” (3)

Chikage: That reminds me of someone.

Juza: Me too. I can feel my blood pressure rising… 

Taichi: “You’re getting the matcha latte? …S’tasty.” (3)

Juza: Urk.

Taichi: “You’re ready to order? Go ahead, I’m listening.” (3)

“Oi, don’t overdo it with the drinks…well, it’s fine if it’s just for today. You’ve worked hard this week, after all.” (3) 

“Happy V-Valentine’s—?! T-That isn’t the sort of thing you talk about in public!” (3)

Chikage: Just as I thought. Autumn Troupe, full combo.

Juza: Is he making fun of us…? 

Yuki: I don’t think he has enough brain cells to do that.

Taichi: !

Yuki-chan! Juza-san!

Yuki: God, your fingerless gloves. I know I helped you get them and everything, but the edge is still killing me.

Taichi: Hehe! I look real cool though!

Yuki: If that’s what helps you sleep at night.

Taichi: Anyway, I have all of your orders right here!

Azuma: That was fast.

Taichi: “I’m tellin’ ya, it’s a piece of cake~.” 

“First, a Fucked Up And Evil Cheesecake.”

Azuma: That’s mine.

I’m happy to share if anyone wants a bite. Fufu.

Taichi: One Swamp Potion for the most handsome person I’ve ever seen in my life! (4)

Juza: Matcha latte…that’s mine. 

Taichi: “A Children of the Flightless for you over there.”

Yuki: Why would you name omurice that.

Taichi: “And one Toxic Slutch.”

Chikage: Black coffee isn’t that bad.

Taichi: “Okay, I’m done here! I’ll see y’all aroun—”

Itaru: “Not so fast.”

Chikage: Of course Chigasaki has an eyepatch.

Itaru: “Do I hear tittering from the peanut gallery? Such arrogance from an audience.”

Chikage: I’m terribly sorry.

Yuki: You don't sound it.

Itaru: “Did you think I wouldn’t find them?”

Taichi: “Shadow!”

Itaru: “You think yourself important enough to speak my name? Insolent.”

Taichi: “I’ll say whatever I fuckin’ want! You cursed my partner!”

“Agh, I don’t care! Get the fuck out of here!”

Itaru: “Hmph. You thought that little bolt would harm me? Pathetic.”

“I’ll leave for now. I can see when I’m not wanted.”

Taichi: “You fuckin’ better.”

“Y’all good?”

Juza: Was that… _him?_

Taichi: “Yeah. I guess Flame told you about Shadow, huh.”

“He’s a real piece of shit. I’ll never forgive him.”

Azuma: The feelings run quite deep for a themed cafe.

Taichi: “S’what happens when your partner gets cursed for doin’ nothing at all.”

“I gotta go help Bloom with more stuff. Yell if you see Shadow around.”

Yuki: Got it.

-

Azuma: We’re almost done, but Tsumugi hasn’t come visit us yet…

Chikage: It’s a shame. I wanted to see how he was doing with his tricks.

Yuki: Well, he seems pretty busy. The cafe’s still packed with people.

Azuma: That’s true. I wonder if we’d be able to get him to show us his role back home.

My throat’s a bit dry, so I’ll ask for a glass of water. I suppose we can go after.

Juza: ‘Kay.

Azuma: Excuse me—

Tsumugi: [cape swishing] “Hello. Did you call for me?”

Chikage: Speak of the devil.

Tsumugi: “My deepest apologies for not coming to you sooner. I’ve been quite busy, but that’s no excuse.”

“My name is Bloom. I run this establishment.”

Azuma: My, how charming. I’m delighted to make your acquaintance.

Tsumugi: “The pleasure is all mine. What request do you have of me?”

Azuma: I’d just like a glass of water. Thank you.

Tsumugi: “Water…?”

“Ah, to consume from the fountain of life. I oft forget how mortals refer to it.”

Yuki: Oh my god.

Tsumugi: “I will bring a glass to you now. I will return shortl—”

  
  


Itaru: “I have finally found you, my opponent.”

Tsumugi: “Shadow.”

“I was naive to think you wouldn’t make a scene today.”

Itaru: “You won't have to worry about anything from now on.”

“Because you die today!”

Tsumugi: “As if I would die by your hands! I swore I would kill you myself!"

Itaru: “Big talk for a weakling."

Tsumugi: “Urgh!”

Itaru: “Can you not even withstand that? What will you do when I wipe out everyone in your inn in front of your very eyes? When I break and destroy this world of yours you've worked so hard to protect?"

Tsumugi: “I won’t let you!”

“Hgh - I can’t stand…”

Kumon: “Bloom!”

“Take this!”

Taichi: “And this! Haaa!”

Itaru: “You presume to defeat me with attacks that weak? Not only are you impudent, but you seem to be idiots as well.”

Kumon: “We won’t give up!”

Itaru: “Have you forgotten?”

Kumon: “Agh! My arms -”

Taichi: “You bastard! You’re making him hurt on purpose!”

Itaru: “Hmph. I’m done playing. It’s time to release my final form!” (5)

“I no longer have need for this eyepatch! Behold, the full force of my Umbra Eye!"

“It instantly inflicts pain upon all it gazes! Soon all of you will be writhing on the ground!” 

“How does that feel? Perish in this pain! Watch every corner of this wretched earth be invaded by darkness! By _shadow!_ Hahaha…! _AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”_ (6)

Izumi: (I remember Itaru-san making this pose in practice too…I think he called it a Jojo pose.)

(I think I’d be embarrassed for him if I knew what that was, so I’ll leave it at that.)

Tsumugi: “Ugh…! No! Flame, Lightning! If we all attack together, I'm sure we can defeat him!”

Kumon: “I don’t know if I can— _hh_ —help much in this state, but I’ll do my best!”

“Please...please work…” 

“Cursed Sword Destroyger, hear my plea:

To serve justice, I call upon thee!

 _Libérez votre force et allumez votre feu!"_ (7)

Taichi: “Lightning • Special • SHOCK!” (8)

Tsumugi: “And to bind them all together…”

“Dear vines, bind and entwine; tie our wishes together and—

_RELEASE!”_

Itaru: “Hgh—”

Kumon: “It’s working!”

Tsumugi: “Everyone! We need your help!”

Yuki: Us?

Tsumugi: “Yes! This spell needs the help of others. If you shout ‘blu-blu-blooming!’ with us, it’ll be at its strongest!" (6)

Itaru: “No! Anything but that!"

Azuma: Fufu. How cute.

Izumi: (So this is Tsumugi-san's way of including the audience in the etude!)

Tsumugi: “Hurry, while Shadow is still weakened!”

“Blu-blu—!”

Izumi, everyone in the cafe: “BLOOMING!”

Itaru: “AAAAAAAGH!”

Kumon: “My arms…! They don’t hurt anymore!"

Itaru: “This won’t be the last you see of me!”

Taichi: “We’ll defeat you next time too. Again and again, no matter how many times it takes.”

Itaru: “Tch!”

Yuki: That’s one dramatic exit.

Tsumugi: “Everyone, thank you for saving my beloved inn. I am most indebted to all of you.”

“And to you, Miss - I heard your voice above the rest, and felt your sincerity. A gift, for you.”

Chikage: Very smooth movement.

Izumi: (He pulled a flower out of nowhere!)

It’s lovely. Thank you.

Tsumugi: “Think nothing of it. I am merely relaying my gratitude.”

Kumon: “Bloom, no fair! I want to give her a present too!”

Tsumugi: “Ahaha. I’m afraid you’ll have to find your own, Flame.”

“And you, Lightning? Would you like to give the young lady a gift as well?”

Taichi: “Tch. Don’t make fun of me.”

“...But thanks. You really saved our asses.”

Izumi: (These roles are kind of cute now…)

Ahaha! I’m glad I could help!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) [Kumon’s +3 Ghosts backstage.](https://yaycupcake.com/a3/index.php?title=Kumon_Hyodo/Only_Once_Summer)  
> (2) Act 10 Ep 18.  
> (3) [Banri voice] よゆよゆ (easy peasy~) → [Juza voice] うめえ (tasty...) → Omi → Sakyo → Azami.  
> (4) No speech marks on purpose. Taichi breaks character to compliment Juza.  
> (5) Of course there’d be a One Day Princess reference in this fic. Ep 8, Itaru's Kamekichi LINE sticker as translated in EN server.  
> (6) (Some of) Itaru’s chuuni yelling and bu-bu-blooming are from the MANKAI stage sketch once again. “Perish in this pain” = では苦しみのともに、死ね!!!  
> (7) “UNLEASH YOUR POWER AND IGNITE YOUR FLAME” in French. In the 4th anni Tenma flair Kumon borrows a foreign language book for chuuni reasons. It's specified to not be English, so I went another route instead. Ty Ray and Michelle for letting me abuse your French powers.  
> (8) Based off Taichi’s “Taichi Special Blizzard Shot” in [Kakushigei Tournament ep 4.](https://yaycupcake.com/a3/index.php?title=New_Year!_Red_and_White_Kakushigei_Tournament/Episode_4) IIRC Taichi has a few dramatic move names scattered across more events/backstages, though.
> 
> capn came into the server a week after they read this like "(mumbling) fucked up and evil cheesecake" so i like to think it has a lasting impact


	4. Epilogue

[Location: Actor’s Cafe]

Owner: Again, thank you so much for helping us clean up. You’ve done so much for us.

Izumi: Not at all! We put up a lot of decorations, so it’s only right that we take them back down.

Kumon-kun, did you get everything you brought?

Kumon: Mmmm…Yep! I think so! 

Izumi: That’s good. Is everyone else ready to go?

Itaru: Just let me use my SP.

Taichi: Shoot, I forgot to use mine!! Sorry, Director-sensei!!!

Izumi: We'll wait another five minutes, then.

-

[Location: Street]

Izumi: Good work again, everyone!

Tsumugi: It was a fun experience.

Kumon: Yeah!!!

Itaru: I got to fill up my chuuni gauge to my heart’s content.

I’m not looking forward to getting back and facing Senpai after that, though.

Tsumugi: Ahaha. Enjoy the walk back with us for now.

Izumi: All of your catchphrases were really interesting~. It almost made me wish I had one myself.

Taichi: We could help you with one right now!!

Itaru: Director, you’ve been dragged into chuuni hell too…there’s no going back now.

Izumi: All of you made it look fun, so I got curious!

Tsumugi: What powers would you like to have?

Izumi: Something related to curry…

Taichi: I knew it!

Kumon: How about curry lasers?!

Izumi: That’d be a waste! Curry’s meant to be savoured!!

Itaru: A no-waste policy, huh…a curry summoner?

Izumi: Half the joy of curry is pouring your hard work into it, though…it feels meaningless if I could summon it with a wave of my hand.

Taichi: You’ve got standards!!

Tsumugi: A witch who makes potions out of curry, maybe…?

Izumi: A curry witch! I like that!

Tsumugi: Fufu. Bloom could provide you with herbs from his garden.

Taichi: Now time for a spell! Think of a bunch of curry-related words and smash them together until it sounds cool!

Itaru: If you can’t think of anything, you can look up cooler-sounding synonyms for them. Or translate them into another language.

Izumi: That’s how you guys came up with yours?!

Tsumugi: Ahaha…

Kumon: Oh, you need a pose too!

Itaru: Yep, yep. And a costume design. We were going off the classics for Actor’s Cafe, so if you want to match you could go with a bunch of belts.

Izumi: There’s a lot to consider! 

(Even if it’s tropey and overdramatic, in the end it’s still preparing for a role.)

I’ll take it seriously!

-

Tsumugi: We have your name, spell, an outfit idea, and…I think we’re set. 

Kumon: Hey, hey! Since it's not busy at the moment, why don’t we do a street act with the Director’s new role right now?!

Izumi: Me?! But I’m as radish-like as you can get…

Itaru: No fear. Chuuni is beyond such terms.

Tsumugi: It’s all about melodrama, so that might actually be an advantage.

Taichi: And acting is all about having fun! Skill doesn’t matter as long as you want to do it!

Izumi: Ah...

(I’ve missed acting. The excitement of standing on stage. The adrenaline when you face the audience.)

(Even if my role today is backstage, I still love all of it to no end.)

All right! Let's do it!

(One hand in front of my face, one arm out to the side…) (1)

“I am the fearsome Curry Witch! I’ll show you the true power of curry with my belts of spices!”

“Weep tears of pain! _Curry Cyclone!”_ (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) [Jonathan’s Jojo pose.](http://media.eventhubs.com/images/2013/02/09_jjbacharimage02.jpg) Be careful who you make fun of in past chapters, Izumi. (I don't actually JJBA.)  
> (2) Inspired by Izumi's baseball move name in [Kumon's First Crush Baseball R.](https://yaycupcake.com/a3/index.php?title=Kumon_Hyodo/The_Road_to_Koshien)
> 
> thank you to emil for tsumugi’s line about how chuuni being super melodramatic and hammy would be good for radish actors!!!

**Author's Note:**

> q: do you always take shitposts this seriously  
> a: genuinely yes
> 
> q: what possessed you to write this  
> a: i was petty magical pink diner wasn't a chuuni actor's cafe. i also really wanted to make the "FOUNTAIN OF LIFE (water)" joke
> 
> q: is this the most chuuni thing you've written  
> a: nope
> 
> q: what IS the most chuuni thing you’ve written  
> a: an autumn fanplay wip where banri rips omi's soul out of him and crushes it with his bare hands
> 
> q: are you actually chuuni  
> a: not as much as i'd like to be
> 
> q: did you write all the spells  
>  ~~a: my writer’s soul bleeds ink for my pen and cries for rest that will not be granted~~  
>  a2: yep! i looked at knb/cardfight vanguard/chuunibyou the anime/backstages for reference. my favourite is flame's. it rhymes and the lines have nearly the same amount of syllables (8-9 each depending on how many you split "cursed" into)...this is the best poetry i'm ever going to write
> 
> q: are you embarrassed having written this  
> a: i wasn’t for the first month i worked on this fic and at some point my embarrassment kicked in like some kind of fruit of knowledge receptor and now i randomly remember lines i wrote and fight the urge to crawl into a corner
> 
> thanks for reading! here are [official character profiles and designs,](https://privatter.net/p/7063935) if you'd like. if fate permits, perhaps we will meet again under a full moon, in the face of my next creation ★


End file.
